1. L A B O R D A Y ❤️

     

  2. september 1st.

    I’m currently still living the life of a nobody, 4 days from now, is the 19th year of being in America. great. I don’t know anymore..what the hell is this life about, I went jogging this morning, and I saw a lot of things I didn’t want to see, and I dealt with things this past weekend that have me feeling like, someone has to apologize to me, I don’t know what more people want from me, and it’s sad and pathetic, that people believe that i’m not an owed a thank you, mothafuck that, I deserve a thank you, the more I deal with humans the more I realize I’m a scum bag or they suck. UGH everything is so fucking bland, I don’t want to go to my boss’ stupid labor day, picnic, but I don’t think I want to complain that I do nothing. I don’t get it anymore, people…why do they suck so much. I don’t know why keep asking that question, I hate that I have revisited this bitter angry Nasra, she sucks, she literally hates everything, not easily impressed, and she constantly pissed off at people. I hate people. I’m done with them, I’m done with a lot of things.. as I stop doing them that will solidify me being done. I’m not though, I’ve applied to several jobs, but I don’t know if they’re hiring, this Feb, I’m planning a trip to see my father, and he hasn’t had the best health I just found his birthday, doesn’t make me any closer to him or nothing. The more I hear about peoples’ lives the more I realize, mine isn’t fucked up as I make it seem. I’m sure next month will likely be the same shit. I can’t do my project because I don’t have the supplies, I have exhausted all my resources for money borrowing, I think I’m half a stack in debt, right now, until friday. So my paycheck not really my paycheck. I’m literally taking care of four people, I’m super woman and I can’t do that anymore, regardless of how one may feel, I’m literally 24 years old/// trying to get a sense of money management, the fuck I’m so irresponsible for? I should’ve gotten myself together hella long ago. I think it begins this year though, I’m out with the old reckless ways. I have to do better… seeing that people only respect when you do have it together. The more I talk to guys, the more I realize what assholes they can be…there are a few nice ones, but the blunt weirdos, have no filter and they can use information you gave as a way to put you down, no wonder why I don’t open up to people. Manipulative fucktards do exist, if they’re super nice to me, I don’t want them..so I’ll continue to keep my distance. 

    ANYWAYS…..

    like I said September 1st and I’m still a nobody, gosh. I hope I get better at this life thing by next year.

     

  3. clandestine |klanˈdestən|

    clandestine |klanˈdestən, adjective kept secret or done secretively, esp. because illicit:

    I just pray that when you do keep silent, it’s for the right reasons. You can hope that people understand but the sad reality is they never will. I just want to not feel this guilt, I know what direction, I’m taking now. I’m blessed enough to realize I do love giving back. I’m happy with it. I don’t have the ends but I will make them meet, sooner or later. Silence is the path to making it. I’m working towards my goals, it’s not even dreams anymore. I hope to make it to see next year. or the year after. I’m now in the right mindset, nothing can touch me, I’ve been through hell already, now it’s about embracing the faults and ironing out the kinks.

     I got this. SECRETLY.

     
  4.  

  5. :)

    I’ve done a lot of thinking about my future and the things that I want out of it. & what I want the most outside of a great career as an architect, is that I want ……..a family. I know the time isn’t right now for that but the things that we want …we should always speak on … Things…..Truly come To existence. I don’t see myself spending forever alone, but I can’t see myself rejecting the idea of a relationship anymore. Next month marks…a year of me being alone and ..I know how much relationships irk my soul, but wanting someone so bad that everything revolves around them, is just sick to me. I’m not in the mood to really deal with anyone, but I know what works and what doesn’t. I know what makes a relationship successful.. I’ve grown to understand things you don’t do, and all of that has come into clear existence. I think a couple of years ago, god put that into my heart and now I feel nothing but this like sorrow you know…. I’ve prayed for the pain to subside, it’s worked well, I even feel healed at times, because I don’t picture a life with you…anymore.. I don’t include you in my plans and in my life, because if I do end up with you, it’ll be nothing like I wanted or maybe it’ll exceed my expectations, I watch silly videos of us sometimes not because I want you back, but it’s because I’ve never known myself to be more happier in life…. In that very moment.. I never pretended or acted like I loved you, I just did. It wasn’t anything physical, you just made me nervous, like when your stomach gets tight and you’re not sick or anything …lol I think that’s what love is… Laughter and continuous smiling at the sight of you…I think crying for two weekends with no outlet drove me into a pain killer diet and then much later drinking and being involved with someone who I could never see that way… I don’t know why I bother, but I felt like I had to deal with a greater issue with him and he filled that for that time being, did I use him, yes maybe idk, did I love him? Yes. Did I regret the relationship I had with him, no, because when nobody else was there he was…you know how much that means to someone like me… I think that’s why it’s hard for me to accept anyone being there for me..it’s just the way I grew up, it doesn’t have to be like that forever…but if I don’t make the change …nothing …will work out the way I desire… It’s been over and dealt with „, do I love him still? No not all, I harbor no hate in my heart either, bygones.

    I think one thing I did figure out is that I’m a ride or die… I love so hard, I love someone more than they can ever possibly imagine and rip the rug from right under them, when they think we’re on the right track with our lives…but the lesson with loving you was….. To know when you told me who you were, time after time to believe you…. I just wanted to see this vision with you, I wanted to have a family with you, and you left .. Like I leave…because I use people and I lie to them..because they are present…and I have no business doing that, even though I’ve only done that in my past two serious relationships and only relationships. I’ve hurt both guys to a point that I do hope they forgive me, I don’t think I even apologized because I was convinced that they had to love me. … They had to be there, and they were compensated with me, and my time. That wasn’t right…and I’m sure if they ever read this …they should know that I am sorry, I didn’t know any better. I wish I did, I would’ve cut the relationship short instead of putting myself and them through that ..


    Nas done grew up, I refuse to be nonchalant in the way I treat loved ones.. I’m not irresponsible with the choices I make, I’m not gonna sit there and lie to your face about my interaction with men on twitter, because to be honest, it’s the most innocent thing, I’d never lower myself to disrespecting someone, might not go on publicly but if I’m bold enough to do it publicly, I know behind close doors…I’m no saint, not say I have ever cheated, but the boundaries were invisible to a point if I wanted ….. …. I could.. I never would I can’t live with myself…

    I’m just writing this because I’m an open book, I’m not an angel. I’m wrong for a lot, but I still pray for the best. I don’t ever want to feel this empty at 3:00am three years from now. I want to be with someone like not any of the guys I’ve been dealing with recently..well I technically cut everyone off since I left Boston, I’m sure we’ll see each other… again… I did start seeing someone in Columbus but I can’t continue because he’s a Christian and everything I ever wanted, so I assumed the devil was playing tricks on me so I broke it off.. ..& I’m not having that conversation ever ……

    I just want to build… Something from love, and for someone who Does not believe In… That ……I have all these feels, telling me how to feel. God gives you exactly what you want..

    I have nothing left to say…


    Sophia 2020. Lol

     
  6. Mass Appeal… <3 I’m ready.

     
  7. Not much of a sneaker person but these work .. #shelltoes

     
  8. #WILson.

     
  9. 😍

     
     
  10. #fallshopping

     
  11. #Asseenincolumbus #architecture

     
  12. #614

     
  13. Yes. #Rihanna

     
  14. silence

     
  15. Life.